Rabbi's Blog

 Living Intentionally – Now I Know What My Wife Does For A Living

Are you the kind of person the fills up their gas tank the night before in anticipation of a road trip? Or do you only fill up when the warning sign pops up on your dashboard? Do you take the good things in life for granted are do you make a point to stop and get conscientious about these things as they occur?

Case in point; this weekend is the Annual Chabad Shluchos convention where Chabad Rebitzens have a chance to catch up with friends, learn best practices on a variety of topics with carefully chosen workshops led by experienced instructors and spiritually and socially fill up their emotional gas tanks so that they can return refreshed mentally and spiritually for another year of service to their families and respective communities.

On Fraida's way to NY she called and thanked me for filling up the gas tank etc. making sure that the car was road-ready. Meanwhile, she has been giving me gentle reminders of some of the things I’ll need to take care of while she is gone. Make sure these lights are on, take that out for supper and various other things so that I can “manage” while she is gone. Mind you, all these things that she is preparing to make this “manageable” for me are things that she does without thinking the other 362 days of the year.

Of course, I appreciate it, and of course it highlights - ok it shines a floodlight - on the work a mom often does that dads often don’t do and even more often don’t even realize that mom is doing it. 

Humbling as it is, it teaches us a powerful lesson beyond the all-important message of gratitude. It teaches us to stop and slow down and realize that things are happening for you constantly and just because you don’t stop to notice them doesn’t mean they are not happening. The point is, “living absently” means that while so many good things are happening, we are not cognizant of them and miss out on the opportunity to celebrate them and savor the kindness. 

“Living intentionally,” by contrast is a state of being where we are actively stopping and focusing on our blessings that Gd and His agents are providing us.

Sometimes, it is only in the absence of the goodness that we even notice how much goodness has been coming our way. Living intentionally means you don’t have to wait for it to be missing to notice the goodness.

The Rebbe, a visionary of the highest order realized that a previous prevailing mindset of relegating women to the background was not the way to advance Yiddishkeit. He realized that to ignore their central role to family life and communal life is to squander the greatest asset that our people have. To that end, he not only empowered them, encouraging them to take on huge projects and leadership roles in every arena, he celebrated them by taking a weekend a year to dedicate exclusively to them, insisting that everything be done at the highest quality and he’d dedicate private lectures just for them and more, so that they know they are wanted and more importantly needed.

One of the unintended consequence of this weekend was a wakeup call to those sleeping husbands that they ought to live more intentionally and be grateful for their spouse’s contribution everything good in their lives.

Have a good Shabbos,

Rabbi Kushi Schusterman 

Sometimes I wake up on the wrong side of the bed.  It happens on occasion that without warning, in the middle of a day, I find myself off kilter, something is not feeling right.  I can’t seem to put my finger on it.  

As both neuroscience has evolved and as a deeper understanding of Chabad philosophy comes to light, I have found some relief.

Tu B’shvat, the celebration of the New Years for trees marked this coming Monday adds some depth to the relief.

When a seed gets planted in the earth, before it begins to grow, it decays.  It’s quite the paradox; in order to grow, I need to rot.  Not decompose, in a bad way like I become less than but rot in a good way, get perspective.  

As long as I’m feeling cocky, feeding my ego, thinking that I am G-d, any growth is going to be limited and fallible, very fallible.   But a little humility becomes a spring board for growth.

Those uncomfortable feelings I’m experiencing are my humanity.  It’s my animals’ reminder that it is an animal and that it needs tending, love and connection.  It doesn’t have to have an explanation any less than a little puppy or kitty cat that is crying needs love or when my little child is whiny and kvetchy.

When I accept that there is a part of me that is still a child, still a little puppy, and will always be that way, I experience humility.   That humility is the rotting that is needed before the tree sprouts forth. 

So I may be a big shot (or as my uncle Schwarzie used to say “a legend in my own mind”), but I am suddenly and without warning reminded that I’m still a child, I still have this little animal inside and that I have plenty more work to do.

The Torah says that “man is the tree of the field”.  As Chamisha Asar b'Shvat - better known as Tu B’shvat - approaches, this is a good reminder to remember that in order to produce happy and healthy fruit, I need to occasionally have some rot and embrace my limitations.

Have a good Shabbos and Happy Tu B’shvat

Rabbi Kushi Schusterman